The Pixies
by Blue Chocobo Girl
Summary: The prequel to my other fanfic, The Lord of the Beans. This story explains how the Pixies were created and where they came from. Warning: Some Relena-bashing and major spoilers for Escaflowne


Disclaimer: I don't own any thing in this fanfic except the pixies (again). 

The Great Kingdoms of Alkali and Alkaline (and their various 'towns' and 'villages') are probably owned by the Periodic Table of the Elements.

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Warning: This _should_ offend Relena-lovers. You have been warned!

Author's Note: In case you've been reading my other fanfic, The Lord of the Beans, and you find yourself wondering something to the effect of, "What the heck is a Subterranean Marshmallow Pixie?" I shall be kind enough to tell you the story of their origin. If this stupid little story doesn't help you to better understand what the pixies are, you're probably going to spend the rest of your life trying to figure why Van Fanel looks so much like Heero Yuy (or at least something similar).

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Prologue

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Once upon a time in the Great Kingdom of Alkali, there was a small out-of-the-way town called Lithium. In the town of Lithium, there lived an extremely ugly and annoying wannabe-princess by the name of Relena Peacecraft. One day, the very stupid princess left her primitive dwellings in search of cookies and/or other sweets that would make her even fatter than she already was. She discovered a trail of candy leading towards the Great Earth Temple in the neighboring kingdom of Alkaline; she then proceeded to follow the trail of candy like they do in cartoons. However, she did not eat the candy, because her mom, Princess Millerna *cough* slut *cough* told her just the day before, "never _ever_ eat anything you find on the ground!" 

After following the trail of candy into the Great Earth Temple, Relena found herself in an empty room facing a pair of large stone doors covered in crude symbols. Relena was about to turn around and go back home, when she realized that the symbols were the same primitive runes that her mom had been trying desperately to teach her. 

She ran home to her mom, and grunted in her Neanderthal way of speaking, "ugga, ugga, mommy, come quick! What scratches on Big Door say?"

Princess Millerna sighed dispiritedly; it was obvious that her idiot daughter Relena would never be able to become a real princess. "It's ok baby, did you forget to take your medicine today? You just need to remember that the monsters aren't real." She tried to console Relena, but the stupid girl just became more irate.

Relena started to jump up and down angrily while chanting, "Big Door! Big Door! Big Door! Big Door!" She then started screeching and pounding her fists on the floor in a very primate-like way.

Just then a tribe of monkey-people jumped in through the window to carry Relena off. It seems that they mistook Relena for one of their own lost monkey children. They also thought that Princess Millerna had taken Relena from their tribe, so they pulled the dumb blondes hair and threw stones at her. The slutty princess was so upset by the hair pulling and stone throwing that she ran away screaming like a banshee.

The monkey-people spent hours trying to communicate with Relena through simple grunts and hand gestures, but she was too dense to understand them. They realized that Relena was too stupid to be one of their kinfolk, so they dropped her from the top of the highest tree in the forest. Luckily, Relena landed on her thick head, so she was unharmed.

Somehow, later that day, Relena managed to wander back to the doors of the Great Earth Temple. After having the sense knocked _into_ her by the fall, she realized that she would have to read the symbols to understand what they said. 

She then read aloud the ancient carvings inscribed upon 'The Door': 

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I jumped over a dump...(eww, poo poo)

The dump was damp...(icky sticky poo)

I landed with a thump...(yay, no more poo)

I think I crushed a camp...(I don't even want to know)

Slowly, as if by magic, 'The Door' started to slide open. Relena just stood there in shock as 'The Door' opened to reveal a small altar on which a brightly colored gem was placed. On the wall next to the gem, there was a big red button. In a trance-like state, Relena ignored the gem and pushed the button (which happened to be 'The Red Button of Doom') and as a result, the stupid Wannabe-Princess caused the gem (which happened to be the 'Holy Chi-Talisman') to shatter into a million little pieces. 

When the 'Holy Chi-Talisman' shattered, the accursed chi-energy stones that were trapped inside the talisman were released. The chi-energy stones were so grateful to be free; they blessed Relena with the gift to be fifty times more annoying than she already was. After that, the chi-energy stones zipped away from their shrine beneath the Great Earth Temple were they had been confined for centuries. 

The chi-energy stones were then free to roam the world and chemically bond with any random object they wanted to, including: ferrets, red blood cells, white blood cells, math homework, shounen-ai manga (and yaoi), typographical errors, HTML coding, bishonen, and rabid squirrels.

The Great Kingdom of Alkali needed a hero, and it needed one fast.

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Author's Note: Umm...please don't flame me. Yeah, I hate Relena. It's just my opinion.


End file.
